I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine
message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of
several celebrities. Here is what I heard:
CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep
answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"
BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be
an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like
to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever
your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."
LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your
@%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound
of the &*@#% beep!"
JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any
lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If
you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you
STUPID IDIOT!!!"
HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my
answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway,
the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you
will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the
auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your
usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably
momentous decision."
G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the
tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event,
I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."
MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't
leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk,
I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking
again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!"
WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound
of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills
are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering
machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were
incompatible."
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the
machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly
known as 'BEEP!'"
